-from the Book of Wretchedness-

WHEN THE CAT’S AWAY, THE TUMORS WILL PLAY…

Nobody returns from the Acid Forest, for Death lives there, towering over the region invisibly like a vast malevolent mountain. Death lurks in the trees, in the soil, in the water, in the very air. We are reminded of this as we tally the endless wanderers, gawpers, treasure hunters, and "heroes" that stand in the ash of the scorched buffer zones surrounding the Forests, breathing the fumes and the green powdered breeze, slowly succumbing to the song of the Forest, entering the twisted land never to be seen again.

There are ancient cave paintings, lurid and crudely drawn in pigment and human blood, that suggest that the Acid Forests came from the stars. The fucking stars. Yet people still stupidly express amazement at how the Forests are so bizarre, so perfectly alien. They are an alchemist's fever dream, a cornucopia unfathomable even to the twisted minds of witches and black sorcerers.

Buried in the catacombs of the Blue Citadel's library are stained fragments of rotting parchment that describe the creatures and materials of the Forests, mind boggling things that defy the very laws of nature. And so it should be no small wonder that avaricious humans gaze upon it with beady rat-like eyes, sending fools and heroes alike to their death in hopes of trading the strange wonders found in the depths of the Acid Forest for alloyed coins of the realm.

Were it not for the riches of the Forests, we humans would likely never have come into contact with the vichadasos anaxescens organism or its vile and tumorous offspring, the klepteratoma. Any creature foolish enough to approach the anaxescens, lured into range of its volleys of barbed spores by its false fruit, will soon find their flesh pierced by hundreds of spores, their mind swimming in a squall of hallucinations. Though they may flee the forest, coughing and maddened, their horrors will not end there.

Some days later, the victim's breathing will clear and the memories of the nightmarish flight will begin to fade. They will feel energized. Manic, even. That evening after a night of relieved carousing they will slip into a deep sleep, filled with elated brightly lit dreams of picking giant fruit from colorful trees, or plucking precious stones from ceilings of warm caves with their dearest friends. The glowing dream will shatter when they wake. Shouts of "murder!" in the street below. A horrified scream from another room in the inn. A dead rat lying on their pillow, its eyes torn from its skull.

Every night thenceforth they will feel their mind pressed down to sleep as if by a heavy hand. They will come to dread it, will try to fight it, but they will be powerless as a baby drowning in a moonlit lake. Every morning they will awaken to new carnage: the remains of a cat, toothless, missing a paw, and emptied beside their bed. A stranger blubbering in shock as they retell the story of a demonic rat attacking them in their bed and tearing a tooth from their skull. An old woman found dying in an alleyway, her face and neck slashed as if by tiny knives, her one unclouded eye plucked from her skull.

The victim, the host, will deny any sense that they are connected to these grisly events. They may choose to wear a heavy cloak in case the weather turns, certainly not to hide the tumors growing on their back. The herbalists and healers had given them a clean bill of health, and besides, how could they be involved if they were asleep?

Though they deny reality, the deepening black dread of their dreams will not be denied.

Ratlike. Slime-covered. Children of the Tumors. Servants of the Forest. Homunculi. Pack hunters. Salvage. Teeth found are teeth gained. All eyes, rat or rheumy, grant vision. Shattered bones are food and knives. Rip. Slash. Defile. Devour. Harvest. All can be used. Standing before the Dreamer's face, clots of tissue, stolen bone and hair and teeth. Eyes of cunning hateful vermin, glinting in the dark. Tiny mockeries of the human form. Servants of the Forest. All for the Acid Forests! Glory be to the Green Emperor!

GAMEPLAY

CONTRACTION

Any character exposed to the spores of an anax colony (vichadasos anaxescens) is nearly guaranteed a klepteratoma infestation unless immediate curative measures are taken. While the anax are mercifully unique to the Acid Forests, there are many that seek their spore pods for nefarious purposes, and there have been reports of sewer dwellers running afoul of unusual varieties of anax in their subterranean warrens. Anax, at home in the Acid Forests, resemble twisted tree-like fungi, roughly six feet tall, with long fronds arching high, their tips weighed down to within easy reach by large, colorful, pheremonally irresistible fruit. Spreading outwards from the base of the central anax to distances up to 100 feet spreads a spongy papillary mat of short, fingerlike projections, pallid and round like broken pieces of chalk. Each papilla is loaded with needle-like spores and psychotropic dust, charged with propellant gas. Together they lie in wait like a legion of poisoned crossbow bolts held perpetually ready in ambush.

Characters that step on the papillary mat will be fired upon as soon as they move away from the central anax. The character is struck by 1d10 spores for each 5'x5' area of papillary mat within 15'.
If a character disturbs the central anax or one of its lures, the entire papillary mat immediately fires upon all members of the party. Each character is struck by 1d10 spores for each 5'x5' area of papillary mat within 15'.
Any character that touches the anax or its fruit will be struck by an extra 5d4 spores when the discharge is triggered.
An equipped shield automatically blocks 50% of all spores from a single direction and is resolved first. Medium armor blocks 30% of all spores. A full suit of heavy armor blocks 80% of all spores.
The tails of anaxescens spores protrude slightly from the skin and are surrounded by raised itchy weals. If they are immediately removed then no further harm will come to the host organism. Removal requires thirty minutes, tweezers or a similar implement, and a medium [DC 15] Medicine check. After 30 minutes the spores can no longer be removed and evidence of their presence disappears.
- If a player succeeds with this roll, tell them that they have been extremely thorough and find no further evidence of spores, despite d6 spores remaining.
- Failure results in only half of the spores being removed in time.
Every spore not removed in time will become a klepteratoma after the incubation period ends.
The initial blast of spores is filled with hallucinogenic dust. Affected characters must make a Moderate [DC 15] Constitution check or succumb to the dense cloud of psychoactive debris. Characters that fail this test begin hallucinating immediately. These hallucinations last for 6d6 hours and direct the player away from the anax and towards civilization. Whilst under the effects of these hallucinations the character gains the frightened condition and is immune to exhaustion. When the hallucinations end the character immediately gains 5 levels of exhaustion and falls unconscious.

INCUBATION: d4+4 days.

PROGRESSION OF INFESTATION AND KLEPTERATOMA GROWTH

After the incubation period ends the spores will remain inert until the host character falls asleep.
Once their host is asleep the spores will germinate beneath the skin and begin rapidly growing, incorporating surrounding genetic material and biomass until they are a tumorous mass approximately 3 inches in diameter. This process takes two hours and it will be nearly impossible to wake a character during this time.
Two hours after falling asleep, when the character is in their deepest dreams, their klepteratoma will cut slits in the skin and emerge, disgusting pustules of a homunculi, dripping blood and anaesthetic slime.
Klepteratomae spend their nights searching the surrounding 500ft area for small biological prizes such as a tooth, an eyeball, a clump of hair, a bird's claw, a fingernail, or a small patch of skin. They will harvest these prizes from insects, vermin, cats, birds, and humans alike. They will never harvest from their host unless there are no other options. Once cocooned safely inside of their host's body, these treasures will be incorporated into the vile little monster's anatomy, offering better senses, sharper claws, or a nastier bite.
After a klepteratoma's first night out, it will return to a different location on its host's body where it is unlikely to be discovered and removed, typically the back of the shoulders, the mid-back, or some other rarely seen, rarely felt place.
Stage 0: During its first week, a klepteratoma will prowl, causing mayhem as it searches for useful salvage.

First week of “life”: the size of a child’s fist, searching for useful “materials”…

Stage 1: Provided the nocturnal hunts of its first week were productive, a klepteratoma in its second week is considered Stage One.

Second week of “life”: slightly larger than a child’s fist, a slightly more effective and confident hunter…

Stage 2: After two weeks of successful hunts a klepteratoma is approximately the size of a grown man's fist is considered Stage Two.

Third week of “life”: the size of a man’s fist. Cruel, cunning, confident. — Third week of “life”: the size of a man’s fist. Cruel, cunning, *confident*.

Stage 3+: Klepteratoma will not stop growing or hunting unless excised, killed, or their host dies. After a month or more of successful hunting, the mind boggles at how revolting these parasites could become.
Behavior: Klepteratoma are mute, using telepathy to communicate with one another, passing information to their host via dreams. They are cunning yet cowardly, even in groups avoiding direct combat at all costs. They prefer to disable their prey with cunning, traps, or the environment, only moving in for prizes once they can do so without risking harm to themselves. Klepteratoma will never do anything that will put their host directly in harm's way, such as lighting their sleeping host’s inn on fire. Implicating their host in their crimes by leaving trails of blood in their wake or mutilated animal carcasses on window sills is another matter entirely.

SYMPTOMS OF INFESTATION

While their host organism is awake, the klepteratoma sleep, surrounded in a thin cocoon of tissue rejuvenating anaesthetic slime. This foul mucus serves several purposes: first it numbs its host to any local sensations of pain, allowing the creature to cut its way free every night without inflicting any pain. Second it rapidly heals any local tissue damage and prevents local infections, keeping its presence hidden and offering its host a number of health benefits.

Aside from the physical deformity of tumorous masses beneath the skin, the ill effects of klepteratoma infestation are minimal, typically no more than dry, itchy skin and intensely vivid dreams.

EFFECTS

Improved Healing: Whenever this player performs a short rest to recover lost HP, they regain +1 HP per die rolled per klepteratoma they are hosting.
Braced Constitution: Infested characters gain +1 to Constitution saving throws against disease or exhaustion. Whenever this character loses levels of exhaustion they lose one extra level.
Alignment Shift: A player that becomes aware of their character's infestation and decides to stay infested rather than seeking its immediate cure may, at the DM's discretion, be flirting with an alignment shift towards Chaos and Evil.
Deep Sleep: Characters infested with klepteratoma will always sleep cannot be awoken once asleep. Once the sun goes down the character must pass a DC 10 Willpower Save or immediately fall asleep. They must make another Willpower check 30 minutes later, but against a DC of 15. If they succeed they remain awake but gain one level of exhaustion. . Repeat this check in 15 minutes against DC 20, gaining another level of exhaustion if they succeed. Ten minutes later they fall asleep with no saving roll possible. Whilst sleeping it will be nearly impossible to wake them except with physical violence, and they will not wake until sunrise at the earliest.
Dark Harvest: Whenever the host is asleep the klepteratomae come out to hunt, searching for useful "salvage" to augment themselves. Every night roll 1d10, adding +1 if the player is hosting more than 1 klepteratoma, and another +1 if they are hosting stage one or higher klepteratoma. With a result of 5 or higher, consult the Dark Harvest Table, below. On the first night after the incubation period ends, automatically roll on the Dark Harvest Table, subtracting 3 from all rolls.

Centipedes dont have feathers and a horse’s head wont fit between your toes. Obviously. Improvise, babe! Also, yes, “klepteratoma” begins with a “c” on this table. I’ll fix it eventually. — Centipedes dont have feathers and a horse’s head wont fit between your toes. *Obviously*. Improvise, babe! Also, yes, “klepteratoma” begins with a “c” on this table. I’ll fix it eventually.

CURE

Surgical excision or simply destroying the klepteratoma during one of its nocturnal walkabouts are obvious and effective means of managing this infestation. Yes. this seem like an easy problem for a human to solve, but know that the vast majority of creatures infested by klepteratoma are in-fact quadrupeds native to the Acid Forests.

Folk cures and prophylactic measures abound but are largely bogus. Bathing in cow urine, drinking liquid mercury, keeping mundane crystals in ones pockets, wearing blue undergarments, all are equally silly and ineffective.

Scavengers and harvesters that frequent the Acid Forests rely on years of experience, sharp senses, glass goggles, boiled leather face masks, and a light tread to minimize contact with anaxescens spores. The only sure treatment, however, is prevention: avoid vichadasos anaxescens at all cost.

LORE

Biologists and scholars have great difficulty classifying the vichadasos anaxescens fungal colony and suspect that it is not actually of this world. Ancient paintings and stone carvings found in numerous caves and archaeological sites in the regions surrounding the Acid Forest hint that the organism fell to the earth from the tail of a comet. Many of these primitive works of art suggest that it was no mere comet that brought the fungus here but rather some huge organism, complete with arms, teeth, and a single hate-filled eye. Further evidence suggests that the arrival of this organism triggered a regional extinction event that eradicated nearly all original flora and fauna. It is only in the last few aeons that the Acid Forests have returned to a somewhat recognizable state.
The papillary mats surrounding the central mass of an anaxescens colony are prized by alchemists, assassins, and practitioners of the dark arts alike. Klepteratoma are also an ideal ingredient in any sort of sympathetic magic or alchemy. Woe betide any whose klepteratoma, dead or god-forbid living, fall into the hands of a witch or evil sorcerer.
If given a reason, the klepteratoma will turn against their host. It starts out small: the tip of a finger or an earlobe. But it always ends the same - the host falls asleep and then wakes up paralyzed, a bone dagger plunged into the spinal cord. The klepteratoma have been busy: they have built a small arching gateway from their host’s bones and intestines, and from this archway pours forth a green and violet light. The klepteratoma are disassembling their host before his very eyes and begin dragging his wreckage through this archway, reassembling his resemblance before the vichadasos anaxescens that gifted them their spores, the anaxescens they consider God. Their reconstructed host will be an offering, a pulpy fungal mockery of his former self. All for the Acid Forests! Glory be to the Green Emperor!

IDEAS TO PLAY WITH

If its stupid and you can imagine it, you can assume that at least one person in the world thinks its a good idea: there are no doubt those in the world that cultivate klepteratoma infestations for their health benefits. Some "health gurus" claim that a single in-dwelling klepteratoma is the secret to eternal youth and beauty.
The common folk have never heard of klepteratoma. Odds are they'll skip diplomacy and jump straight to axes and torches if they learn some grubby stranger is infested with the little devils.

PLOT HOOKS

A contractor sends the players into the Acid Forests to escort a naive scholar to an anaxescens organism. The contractor is expecting the foolish yet likable scholar to be colonized by klepteratoma. The contractor either wants to harvest the klepteratoma for individual sale or wishes to study the effects of klepteratoma infestation on a subject kept in isolation.
There is rumor of a man with a huge tumorous hunched back that lives buried in the bowels of an orphanage. Children disappear there almost every night. The city watch stopped posting guards there at night because of some sort of mad rodent infestation.
A shambling mound of a stranger came in to the tavern, sat at the bar, and coughed out a word to the bartender. The bartender set a heavy mug in front of the stranger, who promptly gulped it down, slapped a strange metal coin down atop a tattered piece of cloth and then left. The cloth is a folded cryptic message and is also covered in anaxescens spores. The message is likely a trap, leading anyone foolish enough to follow it deep into the Acid Forest and into the shambling stranger's clutches.

NOTES

Teratomas are very real. The word is derived from the Greek words “teras-” meaning “monster” and “-oma” meaning “tumor”. While teratomas are quite rare (roughly 10,000 new diagnoses per year), they can in fact be quite deadly, as seen in the following scientific documentary video.
“Klepto” is derived from the Greek word for “to steal”. Thus, the word “klepteratoma” can be roughly translated to “thieving monstrous tumor”. Delightful. Just delightful.
Vichadasos anaxescens is a barbaric attempt at cobbled Greek, translating roughly to "coughing forest becoming a king". If you know Greek and would care to correct me, I would appreciate the illumination.
The Dark Harvest Table was created using The Homebrewery. They’re dope.
The Klepteratoma monster stat blocks were created HERE.

CLOSING

Yes. I know. I said last week that I was going to resist the temptations of complexity creep and keep this post simple and tight. The problem is that a parasitic infestation like klepteratoma is a complex sort of thing and needs space to breathe. Yes, I could have found a way to split it up into several posts, but this post is already setting us up for followup posts: Acid Forests, the Green Emperor, Evaluation, Practical Applications, and Metaphysical Implications of the Vichadasos Anaxescens Colonial Organism, to name a few.

So I let the microcosm that is the klepteratoma parasite take off a-runnin’ and I figured we’d have more fun letting it do its thing. Personally I’m quite happy with the result.

Do me a favor and use it on your players. Take the idea and make it yours. Explore the concept and tell me what you find.

And that’s a wrap.

Until next time…

Be creative. Have fun. Get weird.